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I've always believed people have a right to tell their story. It may not be interesting to anyone else but the beauty of the web is that you can post it anyway. I often have things to share like funny experiences, scary moments, or just want to write and this allows me that luxury. So read if you like, follow, comment, or go on to the next. Either way thanks for stopping by.
Accomlishments go unseen for without fame there is no act, I tire at the work and wonder what my cause is? Have I not done this all before? It is no different than before, the recognition that is to be recieved is undone- with a sense of obligation instead of true merit. I stand in the shadow knowing I should be in the spot light. When is it that I became the backdrop to my own story? Have I forgotten, has it taken me so completely that I forget what once was? I have to believe it is still there-despite all thats been done to hide it. I believed once it would always be the same and now realize I am as naive as a girl giving into her first love, not knowing that his thoughts have already left her behind. I contemplate it over and over. Has it always been this way? Have I merely construed some past that was never real? I look back thinking that it was once I who lived that life- but maybe, just maybe it was just in the books or faint memories that belonged to someone else. It is a pounding sound, the realization that it may not be as it was once thought. I cling to it, feeling almost warmth. I cannot fathom that my life has never been. There had to have been that one time, if only one. I have to believe it was real. I have to believe. Thinking otherwise I would cease to feel anymore. No, No, I cannot remember. It consumes my thoughts - as I turn cold and bitter. I grieve, I anger, I mourn, then it is lost. Another faint memory, this time maybe I do make it someone elses. It is no longer in me to care. I stop all emotion. It is now nothing more than something that stands in time but I have taken you out of my existance-for good. I feel the ice creep through me and shiver. Its a sensation I try to resist then numb to and it is as it should be. My thoughts are beyond while you are still living in today.
I have to say that this past weekend was about the most fun I've had in months, and I hardly did anything. Friday Adrian and I decided to hit up Fat Cats for a little bowling and arcade fun. I am definitely not a bowler but our first game I actually had 2 strikes and scored like a 97-hey not bad for a rookie. But then came the second game and it seemed like no matter what angle I tried all I could hit was the gutter! And I did it 4 times in a row. With two tries each time that means I hit 8 flippin balls in the gutter! Not my proudest moment, by far. LOL We went on to the arcade games and raced some nice cars in the Fast and the Furious race car game. We also did a little target practice and some more racing. All in all, wings, fries, and cokes included it was a fun day. Saturday night we watched a few movies and went to bed fairly early. Then Sunday I hit up a friends BBQ. It was great chicken, fun people and nice weather. I couldn't have asked for anything more. So it was a relaxing low-key weekend yet it was exactly what I needed. Lately it seems like I am always on the go-especially cause of work- so having a chill weekend was great.
Then to top it all of, though today is Monday and work was super crazy- I cannulated my first patient today! YAY for me.
I think there are very few people left in this world that really know how to be a good friend. You know the kind that you can do anything with and still have a good time. The friends you fight with but still dont hesitate to call them when you need help. I wish I had more friends like that. Life long friends and although I haven't lived here all my life I want to continue to meet people and stay in touch with those I haven't talked to in a while. The ones you know really care and will mean it when they say "if there is anything I can do for you, let me know" and not just say it. The ones you are excited to hear from and are genuinely happy for when there life improves. I went to lunch today with a girl I used to work with and although we dont know each other that well I think its a friendship worth keeping. Relationships are so valuable these days, to me at least, that I hope to become a better friend to those people I already know and to those I will meet. Anyway I am very appreciative because its been a rough couple of days with my personal life and work so to have a pleasant meal with pleasant conversation was just what I needed. Thanks Jennifer :)
Its always the same, isn't it- we meet someone of the opposite sex, hope to find an attraction, hope to spark a connection, find the soul mate, the lover, the partner,blah, blah, blah and all the rest of that stuff. Its what humans live for, relationships, connection with other human being, intimate connections. So if we are all looking for it, why is it so damn hard to actually find it? Why do we go through relationship after relationship, heartaches and break-up and still not have it? What is it that makes it so hard to love someone and to trust them? But then sometimes even when you do find that person something is not right. Like they have different plans, goals, or attached emotionally else where.
I fell in love once. It was a teenage love but nonetheless, to me it was real and no one will change my mind on that. My heart got broken and for years I vowed never to let anyone else in. I hardened all emotions. To love was to cry and I would not cry anymore. It worked for a number of years, to keep my heart safe from heartache but now as I am older I am ready to find that connection again.
But saying that doesn't make it any easier. I see the obstacles in my path. For one I live in a place where 28 is past the expiration date. Most my age have been married for years are are on their 4 child at least. I also have a child that is old enough to have an opinion on who I bring into our lives. In past relationships I have kept him out of most of that part of my ife but now I see that I need to include him because it will affect him as much as it does me. It will be a new thing for me becuase I am not used to including him in relationships, mostly to guard his feelings. But I want someone that will find me having a child, as wonderful as my son, just one more appeal to my already good looks and charming personality (lol) :)So here's to a fresh new out-look on love and relationships. So all I need now is to meet eligible men....anyone know any? :}
They say when David went to fight Goliath he was the bravest of them all. I think he did what he thought he had to but he was scared as hell. I believe many of our soldiers are just in that same situation. We trust our wars to boys, send them out to fight horrible dangers and evils. BOYS!!! How do I stress that enough. Though I dont believe there is ever a right age to send a man to war, it seems so cruel that we send our youngest to fight battles for a nation. We pep them up with talks of heroism and fighting for freedom yet we know we are sending some to die. It seems so cruel doesn't it? To know that not all will come back. To send them facing death. I think the ones that die have found there peace. Its the ones who are still alive and have seen the worst that live in the valley of the shadow of death. We send our boys to kill and to witness things no one would want to imagine and when they come home, we, ignorant for not having been there, dont understand why our boys, now become men, dont want to talk about their "heroic" tours. Some get so engulfed by the ugliness that they become a part of it. Can we blame them? It is easy to place blame when one has not lived the fears. I think back to a couple years back where that scandal came out about torturing the prisoners of war. How some soldiers got court marshaled and what not and though I dont believe anyone has a right to mistreat another human being I can't help but think that it was done out of frustration. When surrounded by unspeakable things sometimes violence is our only way to cope. We become those evils because it is all we know. Of course not everyone goes through that, but it does happen. Do we ever wonder about the neighbors boy, the all-american, bright, popular boy that went off to war and now has come back and has isolated himself from the world. Do we ever wonder what made such a young boy full of life with so many expectaions suddenly loose interest in everything. Do we wonder why there are so many alcoholics and drugs being taken by some of our finest? I wish there was something I could do. To ease the pain. Unfortunatley war is something that will remain till the end of time so there will always be horrors and nightmares, flashbacks, screaming, and vivid dreams so horrible death becomes bliss. Yet it is those that chose to go and accept that their lives will be altered forever that I lay awake thanking God for. They live those horrors so I can live my life without fear. To the ones there and the ones coming home and to the ones that never make it back, I have nothing but humble respect. My admiration, love and respect will be carried through the prayers I send up every night as I lay in bed knowing that I am safe.
So several weeks ago I was at the W lounge (in Salt lake City) for a friends birthday and this guy came up to me and asked if I was Kim Kardashian or was related to her.....I was like who the hell is that? I'm not much into reality T.V. shows nor do I watch anything other than like ABC, Fox, NBC or even the occassional ESPN...channels like that. The girl I was with, Brandie told me that the Kardashians have a show on E or something. Anyway I thought nothing of it and just blew it off to some guy making a pass at me.
Then like two weeks ago Brandie's friend Juanita said the same thing that I look like Kim Kardashian....so I thought wow two people have told me this I need to find out who this girl is.....so I looked on line and I was completely blown away! Not because I look like her but she because she' s amazingly gorgeous! I only wish that I had some more of a resemblance to her, she's way hott!
I know have watched her show reruns a couple times and have seen her website. I am truly a fan of her beauty. Hopefully she is no Paris Hilton though. I can only stand so many srich spoiled brats, myself included! OH WAIT I'm not rich but if I ever am I've got the spoiled thing down. LOL
I realize now, that both people that told me that I looked like her had been drinking so maybe I just look like her after the distortion that comes with several cocktails. REGARDLESS I am graciously flattered to be compared to her.
So tell me what you think, do I look anything like her?
I've also been compared to Eva mendez but yeah dont see that either....
Still its nice to hear :)
So a while ago I had to go to urgent care because I was pretty sick...
you know how it is when your there... you have to wait forever to be seen...then your name gets called and you think FINALLY, then some male nurse takes you back to the room only to check your vitals and then sends you back to the waiting room to start the wait all over again! whew! I hate it. And everyone around you is either coughing or sneezing or has a broken bone or something...the point is everyone is miserable...so that's how it was a few saturdays ago...I was sitting down trying not to move...when the nurse comes out and calls someones name...so some tall lanky older Asian guy gets up and just as he is about to go thru the door he lets out the LOUDEST fart!!! And no not just one...it came in a set BLuP blup BluP bLuP (thats my fart noise)....BLUPPPPP BLupp
For the next second or so the whole waiting room went quite. It was one of the moments where you think to yourself ...did that really happen, or did I just imagine that? 2 seconds... 3 seconds .... and thats all it took for the whole waiting room to explode in laughter. My sympathies to the gentleman who let it RIP, literally, but for a just a moment he made evertone forget their misery. It was seriously hilarious!
I have recently gotten a letter from a friend who is in Prison who I haven't seen in over 5 years. Way back when we used to be the best of friends, or so it seemed that way. I can't deny that part of our friendship was my attraction for him and that, I believe he took for granted. Its been a long time and I admit that I was quite naive and innocent in believing that the more I did for him back then, the more I cared, and was around- he would one day realize I was the woman he wanted. It never happened. And for that now I am grateful. He never really out grew that phase of being iresponsible and that of course landed him in prison. So anyway going on I received a letter from him and have corresponded with him once about a month and a half ago. It was great to hear from an old friend and I was sad to hear what had become of him and how his life was turning out to be. I said that much in my letter and promised to write again when I could. I tucked the letter away and made a mental note to write again. Time has gone by and I've been preoccupied with a new position I have recently accepted and so I have not written back. So a bit ago I get another letter and it kinda pissed me off. To make a long letter short he asks why I haven't written him and says that he expected more from me. That I should realize that the joys of his days are looking forward to letters. So obviously not hearing from me has been a disappointment. He goes on and on about how we used to be such good friends and blah blah blah. He also wants to know if I'll come visit even though he is in a different state and one across the country at that!
As I am reading the letter I think to myself..."what the hell does he expect?" I am not the one that made an incredibly stupid choice to land me in prison. Not only that but, what the hell do I want with visiting him? I mean its all good that we were friends at one point but the difference between he and I is that I always new I would out-grow that childish phase and go on to make something of myself. I new there would come a time when those friends would be outgrown and I would move on. Now he expects me to act like we haven't been separated for years and that I am still the person I used to be? Give me a freakin break! Why would I want to visit him in prison? What would we say or talk about? Its not like we have anything in common any more. Right?
Yet at the same time I feel for him. I feel for the person he has become and for the stupid choices he has made and the hard blows life has delt him. But really what can I do? I can be sympathetic, but I will not let myself get dragged down too. Is that so wrong to think like that? Does he really expect me to focus on him when I have a life outside of his prison walls. Does he think that in some way I am still waiting for him to come around? LOL Wow its amazing what a 12 X 12 cell will make you believe. So to him...I'm sorry that you took me for granted so many year ago...but I am not sorry that my life has gone on while you sit in your cell and wait for the next letter to come.
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